The Valentines Day Blues | heartprotection's Blog

While typing the title above I lingered while trying to establish whether or not I should be utilizing an apostrophe and then suddenly realized that perhaps it is more important to risk grammatical errors than waste my life trying to figure out whether someone will catch my error and assume that I am incredibly ignorant. Funny, I know that I must be ignorant; it is nearly 17 months since my break-up and today I hid in my apartment and cried. No, I did not even make an effort to get my mail. My neighbor texted me that she saw someone in the building had gotten a dozen long stemmed red roses and wondered if it might be me. Isn't that sweet? She thought to ask me even though she knows that I am not seeing anyone and that the man I love does not love me or even care about my feelings. Perhaps she is on drugs...forgive me but there must be an excuse for her thinking to ask me such a thing, yes? Okay, yes, perhaps she is an optimistic person who is on drugs.
He, the ex, is doing a great deal of work on the vacant apartment across the hall from me. I did not turn on the radio, nor did I use the television..then he would know what I am doing. The other day I was talking on the phone and had a creepy feeling that someone was listening. A few moments later I heard his voice in the hallway greeting someone andit sounded as though he was literally just outside of my door. Last Thursday night he rang my bell at 10:30 pm and startled me. It was one of those rare occasions when I actually was falling asleep without needing the assistance of wine or tears. I ran to the door, sans baseball bat and yelled "who is it?" He replied with his name and I opened the door. I told him that he had scared me and he replied that he just wanted to show me his new puppy and I must admit that the puppy was adorable. He then told me he never would have thought it would take him such a short time to love something. Why did he feel the need to say this to me? I wonder this as well.

I hate this man and I do not want to hate. I hate him, I hate that he  knows that he is still in my seemingly massochistic heart and seems to take pleasure in hurting me. He makes me occasionally wonder if I would be better off dead and believe me, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO DIE! Still the moments occasionally hit me, feeling like cold enormous raindrops on a frigid day. Today, like most days, I searched online for an apartment. Tomorrow if my legs can handle it I will walk to the train and journey to unknown parts in an effort to find a new home that is affordable and will accomodate my disability. I feel lonely and tired and scared. I am so tired of feeling alone, so tired of having to feel as though everyone is living and I dwell and gives thanks without a companion. This is not a Valentine's thing...it is life...this is life...We all live how we can and give thanks for those moments of happiness that seem to become less frequent with age.