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heartprotection's Blog


I am woman

Yesterday  I purchased a drill despite the fact that I promised myself I would only purchase necessities since my credit card bill has gotten, well... bad. How did I manage this? I am paying my doctors bills and putting the credit card last. I use my credit card for food for the most part.
I purchased a doorsweep for the front door of my apartment over a year ago and I am about to install it.
This is the reason for my needing to purchase the drill. The amount of space between the bottom of the door and the floor is literally one inch! I had asked my ex who is the super of the building and he did not say "no," he just told me that I should have kept the stuffed log that he had let me have that someone had left over in their apartment. I kept putting that darn thing in front of the door but it was annoying and I kept tripping over it since it would roll over and not  stay in front of the opening. Friends told me they would install it when I asked if I could borrow their drills.
Funny that it is still not installed, right? Depending on others has never been my style and when you have a disability sometimes you have to do so. Tough, I bought the stinking :) drill and now I shall use it after putting on my safety glasses and maybe a bandana over my face to protect myself from stray shards of wood. Wish me luck! I am so nervous!
Once I accomplish this (fingers crossed) I shall spackle my walls and eventually paint. Who needs a hobby when there is always something to do in my apartment?

Champagne For One

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I Broke My Own Heart

I cannot wear any metal around my neck because I will, for some reason, immediately develop a rash. Gold or silver can be worn everywhere but my neck (please get your mind out of the gutter!) Pearls are okay and so is glass and leather (again, please, mind out of the gutter!) Today I wore my glass Murano style heart around my neck with my leather string and decided to change to a different necklace. I carefully removed it from my neck and somehow managed to drop it, upon the hard tiles of my bathroom floor. Funny, (almost, that is) I BROKE MY OWN HEART!
My mood: a bit merry

Brain MRI

I received the results from my last MRI of my brain. I have two new lesions and my neurologist feels that I should go back onto my injectable medication. I took myself off of it a year ago andthe severe chest pains stopped and those moments of confusion that I had been experiencing have become less frequent. Other issues though have increased...such as the fatigue and the eye pain and swallowing is not always so easy. Never in my life have I actually had to "think" about swallowing...who does? You eat, you swallow, you smile, you take a sip of wine...etc...who has to think about it? Well, I guess those of us who have disabilities.

My friends constantly call me to complain about their husbands and I have told them that I need to watch the minutes on my phone. Why should they care? Where were they when I needed help and why does everyone think that it is okay to talk to me so long as they need a court jester? I have tried to explain but everyone has their own stuff, perhaps I am being insensitive and do not realize it. perhaps I need new friends; but how do we make new friends when most people have their own lives and families who need care.

I am so tired, so very tired. No, even the thought of meeting Mr. Right someday does not cheer me because I know that chances are that they will treat me as my ex has treated me. I do not have the energy to care for a man with a disability and no man without a disability really wants to get involved with a woman who has a disability unless it is solely for sex and I am not interested in that. Never did I think that I would be 42 and childless and not even have a car at this stage of my life. I am feeling sorry for myself today but I think that I am allowed to do so, just today that is.   

The Valentines Day Blues

While typing the title above I lingered while trying to establish whether or not I should be utilizing an apostrophe and then suddenly realized that perhaps it is more important to risk grammatical errors than waste my life trying to figure out whether someone will catch my error and assume that I am incredibly ignorant. Funny, I know that I must be ignorant; it is nearly 17 months since my break-up and today I hid in my apartment and cried. No, I did not even make an effort to get my mail. My neighbor texted me that she saw someone in the building had gotten a dozen long stemmed red roses and wondered if it might be me. Isn't that sweet? She thought to ask me even though she knows that I am not seeing anyone and that the man I love does not love me or even care about my feelings. Perhaps she is on drugs...forgive me but there must be an excuse for her thinking to ask me such a thing, yes? Okay, yes, perhaps she is an optimistic person who is on drugs.
He, the ex, is doing a great deal of work on the vacant apartment across the hall from me. I did not turn on the radio, nor did I use the television..then he would know what I am doing. The other day I was talking on the phone and had a creepy feeling that someone was listening. A few moments later I heard his voice in the hallway greeting someone andit sounded as though he was literally just outside of my door. Last Thursday night he rang my bell at 10:30 pm and startled me. It was one of those rare occasions when I actually was falling asleep without needing the assistance of wine or tears. I ran to the door, sans baseball bat and yelled "who is it?" He replied with his name and I opened the door. I told him that he had scared me and he replied that he just wanted to show me his new puppy and I must admit that the puppy was adorable. He then told me he never would have thought it would take him such a short time to love something. Why did he feel the need to say this to me? I wonder this as well.

I hate this man and I do not want to hate. I hate him, I hate that he  knows that he is still in my seemingly massochistic heart and seems to take pleasure in hurting me. He makes me occasionally wonder if I would be better off dead and believe me, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO DIE! Still the moments occasionally hit me, feeling like cold enormous raindrops on a frigid day. Today, like most days, I searched online for an apartment. Tomorrow if my legs can handle it I will walk to the train and journey to unknown parts in an effort to find a new home that is affordable and will accomodate my disability. I feel lonely and tired and scared. I am so tired of feeling alone, so tired of having to feel as though everyone is living and I dwell and gives thanks without a companion. This is not a Valentine's thing...it is life...this is life...We all live how we can and give thanks for those moments of happiness that seem to become less frequent with age.

Peace and Quiet

Okay, maybe I did say that I was ready for date but am I? If someone were to actually ask me would I be able to accept the invitation? My ex has been able to move on (almost immediately after I am guessing..or perhaps during) after "we" ended; why can't I? I have repeatedly asked myself this even though I know the answer. Those who can move on immediately are able to do so because they did not love us. In this case he never loved me, I was but a mere convenience much like a 7-11...always happy to serve him when he arrived and always sorry to see him go. The difference is that he never paid me.

My relapsing remitting ms scares me but I suppose knowing that I may never date again scares me more. Why is it so difficult to meet a man who does not have a propensity to being the absolute scum of the earth? This man knew the Bible inside and out and quoted from the Bible. Now Valentines is coming and I have an appointment with my neurologist...what a very sad excuse for a date.  

Running On Empty

Due to my having Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis I tend to shy away from dating, lately though, I have been considering it. I am not just alone but I feel lonely and even my cat seems to be tired of my trying to cuddle up to him so often, poor little guy. It has been over 14 months since what I thought was the love of my life tore my heart out of my chest. I was having a difference of opinion with a girlfriend of mine though a few moments ago on the telephone. She was telling me that I should go to a speed-dating event on this coming Wednesday and I told her that with my MS I would not feel comfortable basically allowing a deception to take place. She told me that I could wait a few months before telling a man but how could I? I would not want this to happen if I were in the man's shoes. I do not know what I am going to do....I do not know if I will be able to locate the funds for the entry fee anyway so perhaps I should stay home with my loving and honourable cat (he never takes advantage of my love for him!)

My Tears

It is so difficult to stop loving a man who shows you his most wonderful attributes on a regular basis. Never would I wish for the sweet and wonderful man to show me his angry side again, I just need to try hard and remember otherwise this break-up will make me lose all faith in beautiful people.

test

This is a test to make sure that I properly handled my "cookies' as instructed.

Ding Dong

He just rang my doorbell, much to my surprise. How does he know when I am fed up and unhappy to arrive with a smile and kiss? He thanked me for being the way that I am..I almost thought he would tell me he loved me, but then I woke up. It was nice, but I am going to try to keep myself in reality rather than fantasyland. It's just a matter of time before more tears fall; it's just a matter of time before the rollercoaster starts again. Let's see how long before the milk sours yet again. Maybe if I mimimize the amount of time we spend together and if we can find a common enemy it will work. How sad it is to even say such things in jest. Oh dear, why couldn't I meet that man who was looking for a wife when I was 16, maybe it would have somehow worked, somehow.  

The occasional pain of loneliness

It has come to my realization that the occasional pain of loneliness is actually better than being an occupant of an emotional rollercoaster that is not only unpredictable but incredibly dangerous. The highs are amazingly wonderful, holding my hand in church and touching my face with the palm of his hand as though he loves me. The lows are extremely painful, saying things like he doesnt feel he needs to explain to me who he will invite or not invite to his sons wedding for his date. Funny, we are exclusive to one another, I promised monogamy and wondered if when he said he booked a hotel room for himself he was trying to let me know that I was not invited. I was actually nervous to ask him but I did, I asked if his telling me this was his way of letting me know that I was not invited. I never asked for an explanation. His defensive nature makes me realize he is not a man who I can trust. He is a man who I should never had any involvement. I continually thanked the Lord for putting him in my life. Now I know that I must pray that I fall "out of love" with this man. I deserve better; I realize this after crying so many times over cruel things he has said and done ever since Christmas.   I continually apologized like a loser..over and over and over..now I am most sorry to have given him my body and temporarily my soul. I feel so dirty and incredibly sad. The thought of him makes me feel worthless. I need to remain thankful that we were not together longer. Seriously, how angry at myself I am, there are no words. I fell in love after years of "mourning" the loss of the love of my life. I was the wrong religion. The last  time I was in love was 1997 and it was not until 2010 that I found it again, with a man whose personalities could fool Einstein himself. 

I need a condom for my heart

My ability to scare men away is, in my opinion, my greatest asset. There is no need to start something when you know that  you will be hurt in the end. It was different with him; we were friends first and I never, ever thought anything would happen. Yes, I thought he was sexy in his own way and I may have wondered what it would feel like if we kissed but I honestly never thought it would happen. I felt he was out of my league and I guess he is. No, I don't like using this expression but it is appropriate. I no longer feel beautiful, I feel ugly, his looking at other women and commenting about their being "hot" takes all of the enjoyment out of dating an older man. It used to be nice since they seemed to know how to treat a woman but it is not about a lovely dinner (although that is enjoyable of course) or necessarily being given gifts, it is about mutual respect and the kind of companionship that makes you literally give thanks to God everyday, for you cannot imagine your life without him. The joyous moments I feel with him are in abundance but then so are the incredibly sad moments when I realize that he would rather be with other women. If he were able to get them I am sure he would go for them but perhaps has self esteem issues himself. I know that if I were more beautiful he would not keep looking at other women so much; he would be looking at me. The days of men making me feel as though I was the only woman in the room are now gone, long gone.My heart is slowly breaking  and it is difficult sometimes for me to catch my breath, I need a condom for my heart, I need heart protection.   

1-11 of 11 Blogs   

Previous Posts
I am woman, posted March 27th, 2013
Champagne For One, posted March 19th, 2013
I Broke My Own Heart, posted March 19th, 2013
Brain MRI, posted February 14th, 2013
The Valentines Day Blues, posted February 14th, 2013
Peace and Quiet, posted February 1st, 2013
Running On Empty, posted December 2nd, 2012
My Tears, posted May 29th, 2011, 1 comment
test, posted May 29th, 2011
Ding Dong, posted May 1st, 2011
The occasional pain of loneliness, posted May 1st, 2011
I need a condom for my heart, posted April 5th, 2011

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